Scene: Jay Zee ("No 1") el Presidente of South Africa lying in the blazing South African sun on his inflatable dollar bill in his fire-pool at Nkandla (his "modest" home in KwaZulu Natal). Zap, his pet bull, is grazing quietly nearby. (Jay Zee named the bull after his nemesis, the cartoonist known as "Zapiro". He plans to eat Zap one day as payback.)
Gwede Mantashe (ANC Secretary General) is sitting under a large umbrella decorated in the ANC colours.
JZ: Gweds, throw some blocks of ice into that glass. Eish, it's hot out here. And ask Mkaswawizme to crack a new bottle of Blue Label. There's a case in the bar..I mean tuck-shop.
GM: Nkonsawna bring out another bottle of blue please...
JZ: Eish Gweds, Nkonsawna doesn't run the bar, sorry tuck-shop. I put her in as Head of the Nkandla Municipality; Mkaswawizme, my eighth wife, now has responsilibity for the bar. Ag damnit man, I mean tuck-shop.
GM: Got it No 1...
JZ: How did the elections go? Did we get our 2/3rds majority?
GM: No No.1 we missed it by a few million votes...
[Jay Zee takes a big swing of blue and nearly falls off his inflatable dollar bill]
JZ: Eish....those ungrateful buggers - after all that we do for them. The people must understand that RDP housing doesn't come cheap; look at this house for instance - Gweds a helicopter pad is big bucks. You talk to Gugulethuma - my sixth wife - and she will tell you...a teak panelled walk-in wardrobe...eish, it's daylight robbery.
GM (under his breath): Something you should know a little about then...
JZ: Gweds, what was that?
GM: Something you wouldn't know anything about then No. 1.....
JZ: This is true; I leave this sort of thing in the hands of my architect. Don't tell anyone how much I took from the Bank to pay him though. I left an "IOU" on Gill's* desk. I hope she got it. [*Gill Marcus, current Governor of the South African Reserve Bank]
GM: Your secret is safe with me No. 1
JZ: I'm sure it is Gweds; you know what happens if you can't.
Jay Zee leans across and fixes him with a lazy eye. Mantashe shifts uneasily on his towel. Zap peers up from his munching and also fixes him with a lazy eye. Perspiration begins to form on Mantashe's forehead.
JZ: But enough of the serious stuff Gweds; eish we are supposed to be celebrating. Grab yourself a blue and come and join me in the water - you're sweating man!
GM: On my way No. 1.....
...to be continued...
Out.