Jay-Zee is almost there! Just the Reserve Bank to go and then every civil service, government department, parastatal and ministry will be occupied by individuals who haven’t the faintest idea what they are doing. The latest casualty is a chap by the name of Nhlanhla Nene who was the country’s rather capable Finance Minister until he was fired on Thursday night (sorry "re-deployed"); and replaced by David Douglas Des van Rooyen (no he’s not white, his parents were just having a laff).
Des is about as suited for this role as an oyster on a jam tart; in other words not a very appetising prospect at all. That said having zero experience and doing the President's bidding are the only qualifications required to assume top political positions in South Africa - look at the calibre of the rest of the cabinet and that becomes blatantly apparent.
It is possible that Jay Zee has actually gone mad. Certainly all those evil capitalist traders thought so; witness the 5+% devaluation of the rand against the dollar in about a day! International markets are an unforgiving bunch; they don’t mind that the President dances around in a loin cloth singing about machine guns, but they do mind when he starts messing around with their bonds and their currency positions and their share portfolios. That really pisses them off and that in itself is a frightening prospect because they have the power to break the South African currency; to turn government debt into junk; to stop investing in companies and effectively throttle the country into submission.
But don’t worry Des is at the helm. Thankfully for South Africans, Des was once mayor of Merafong City Local Municipality (no that’s not in China it’s apparently somewhere in South Africa) so he does bring a certain gravitas to the role. He has vowed to make the Treasury "more accessible” by handing the keys over to Jay Zee immediately and to “demystify some of the myths that are coming through around the functionality of this important department.” The fact that it was actually working efficiently was mystifying No 1 so he has deployed Des to get to the bottom of this aberration forgetting that the real myth is Des’s credentials for the job!
If it wasn't so serious it would almost be farcical, but then that is the South Africa of today. No one has a clue where or when the next crisis will emerge; oh no wait, I have it - it’s the trillion rand nuclear power station deal that No 1 is putting together with his old mate Vladimir (yes, the one that good ol' Nene said the country couldn't afford and which Des will now ensure is “more accessible” to Jay Zee and his cronies). But then again this latest crisis could precipitate a regime change (another lunatic across the Atlantic is all fired up and raring to go) but then again pigs might fly, Des might manage to retain his balls, and Jay Zee might resign citing ill health and retire to his little cottage in Nkandla.
FAT CHANCE ONE-AND-ALL!
Out.