WARNING: This programme contains scenes of violence, strong language and horror. Viewer discretion is advised.
Starring: Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, David Cameron, George Osborne and the guy who is always in the pub holding a pint ranting on about Syrian refugees invading Dover, Nigel Farage.
What might I be alluding to?
Yes, you guessed it, it’s the EU referendum and tomorrow we all decide whether we want to go it alone and “take back control” as Boris wants or whether we owe it to our children and grandchildren by voting to remain in the club as Dave wants.
I am voting IN. Here are 10 reasons why (and I am not doing it for the children, as I don’t have any):
- I am selfish. I don’t want any more uncertainty both social and economic that might impact negatively on my best years from an earnings potential. (I have the Donald for that!) By all means leave when I retire and don’t live in the UK anymore.
- Dave and Co can barely run the country as it is; can you imagine the chaos if they then had to start negotiating our exit from the EU. Nothing would get done to solve the problems the UK already has.
- There is a massive moan about how much cash we “donate” to the EU for a whole lot of fat cat MEPs to swan around Europe on the Eurostar doing absolutely nothing useful. I mean come on – what’s unusual about that? The UK’s foreign aid budget is pretty much the same thing – except that has a global reach which means business class flights and five star hotels (because a B&B in Kabul is not exactly Taliban proof)
- I like the cute Italian and her friends who make my flat white in the morning. Who will replace her? Some fat, pasty, pimply faced, “apprentice” with an attitude who calls me “mate”. No thanks.
- A good friend of mine scolded me for even thinking about “taking back control” and threatened to "de-friend" me. I like my friendship with him.
- It took Canada 7 years to negotiate a suitable trade deal with the EU; my guess is that it is a fairly complex process and they even speak French! Dave went to Brussels to try and negotiate a better deal for the UK as a member state. Outcome: Merkel, strap on, nine inches, no Vaseline. Not a pleasant outcome. So I reckon at least 10 years – ok take one off for the fact we can get to Brussels by train. Talks to point number 2.
- The Turks are coming! No they are not. Turkey has 35 bureaucratic hurdles (or “chapters” as they are known) to overcome (that number is not made up!) It has cleared one in about 5 years so by my reckoning that’s another 165 years to go on current form. And anyway the UK has a veto on new members joining so in 2181 it can tell them to get lost. And I will be dead so even if they do come I don’t give a rats.
- We are beholden to laws made by unelected bureaucrats. True. But then is it any worse than the “Health and Safety Executive” in this country that makes the lad with the bad hair and the nukes over on the Korean peninsula look positively democratic. I reckon we clean up our act on the home front and then look to tackle Angie on this one. And anyway aren’t we all part of the same global village where all our fortunes our intertwined? Trust me with the Donald’s finger on the red button we will have bigger issues to worry about than some obscure bit of legislation emanating out of Brussels.
- Apparently Europe did a rubbish job when it came to dealing with the Balkans in the nineties and had to rely on the States to unwind its mess. Yes. So what’s this got to do with the UK and it’s role in Europe. I have no idea. Some empty vessel in one of the debates mentioned it so I thought it relevant. Rubbish. Scrap 9.
- Loads and loads and loads of economists, business leaders, heads of various intelligence agencies, the Bank of England, and even God, think it a crap idea to leave the club. I’m going with all of them. Safety in numbers and anyway how wrong can you go if the Big Man is on your side!
So there we have it. Ten (I mean nine) ROBUST reasons why it must be a big tick next to the IN box tomorrow in the voting booth. And read the question carefully; apparently Dave and Co spent about two years debating the exact wording of the question. Watch for the double negative!
Good luck. Peace. Kumba-Ya.
Out.