Boris's supercycle highways that cross-cross the capital; I mean what exactly is their purpose - except to confuse everyone who is in some sort of motorised transportation and that for that matter those on the two wheeled variety.
I was sitting in a London bus recently; front row seat at the top - and well out of harms way watching the cyclists in action.
Now I am not a cyclist mind; if I wanted to risk death or maiming I would prefer to do it properly - like base jumping off a snow capped mountain in the Alps in a silver suit with wings.
The cycling fraternity looks to be a motley bunch that I have categorized below:
You've got the guys in full Lycra who treat getting to work each day as if they were competing in a stage of the Tour de France. Half of them shouldn't be allowed to don the uniform (not all are shaped like Chris Froome) but all of them think they own the cycle highway. And in case you get in their way they have a Go Pro attached to their helmet so that when they run you off the road they can prove it wasn’t their fault.
Then you have those for whom riding is a bit of a pastime. So it's dresses, high heels, no helmets and two kids (at least) sitting on various parts of the bike. Last time I looked this isn't Amsterdam and large trucks don't give way for bicycles or kids.
Of course there is the long-suffering cyclist; that stalwart of the roads who has been cycling way before Boris and his ridiculous blue highway. He's the guy (or girl or transgender - I don't discriminate) whose dodged death in the form of errant pedestrians, cabs (only unlicensed ones; black cabs don't make mistakes), cement trucks, and falling debris. He is the one who fondly recalls almost meeting his maker while negotiating one of Ken Livingston’s “bendy” buses. He has earned his right of passage and is happy to bend your ear all night on the subject!
Let’s not forget the yuff in all of this. Generally speaking they are pulling wheelies on the pavement and terrorizing Grannies and are therefore not your typical superhighway user.
And then the “newbie”; the one that typifies the concept of “all-the-gear-no-idea” (I would fit neatly into this category). Recently encouraged by his friends to take up cycling he/she/trans wonders why they land up crashing into the back of the bus because so many of Boris's highways suddenly stop in the middle of no where or cause said victim to power into a traffic circle in the wrong direction because there’s no where else to goooooooo!
London is not Amsterdam filled with canals and cool people where cyclists, pedestrians and motorists interact in perfect harmony. London is filled with road users who hate each other and if they had the opportunity would happily run each other off the road in some sort of Mad Max free-for-all!
So if you’re thinking about the lycra-and-all-that-malarky, I would park that thought immediately, come and join me on the bus, watch the drama unfold and reach your destination in one piece!
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