So I was at a talk in a West End hotel recently and after a few pre-talk beers (as you do to take the edge off those awkward pre-talk conversations with people who also don’t know anybody there), “nature” called.
It was a very well maintained bathroom; lots of gleaming tiles, mood lighting, giant mirrors, folded handtowels, oval shaped porcelain urinals and cubicles with heavy wooden doors. A pissers paradise you might say.
I darted into a cubicle for that extra bit of privacy that quickly became a slide because there was more “material” around the toilet than actually in it. (At this point you are probably crinkling up your nose with an “ugh” expression!)
I found this puzzling.
Firstly I was standing in A-grade facilities. Secondly this event was being attended by a lot of people in suits and ties that I would have thought might have implied a certain level of respect for the ablution block. (I felt a bit smug because the new me that is emerging has taken to wearing open neck shirts and jeans with converse trainers to “stick it the man”. My wife keeps telling me I am not cool enough to stick it anywhere….ok…whoah…moving on swiftly…back to the cubicle…). Thirdly the toilet bowl was of generic dimensions; certainly large enough to aim the one-eyed snake with a suitable degree of error and still hit the target. And fourthly this was not some outdoor festival where one’s aim naturally deteriorates as the cocktail of booze and illicit substances takes hold.
So why would this particular cubicle have suffered so badly? My guess the user had been distracted because I cannot honestly believe that one of the suits and hauled his pecker out with the express intention of pissing on the floor. And what might that distraction be?!? Yes, ladies and gentlemen you guessed it – the smartphone!!
“I’ve got a quick moment; let me check the football score or let me see what the market closed at or let me text Ron and lament the fact that there are no hot chicks in attendance or let me whatsapp Annie that I’ll need supper when I get home because its been a long day sitting at my desk doing F-all or let me get a quick convo in with my Mom over Facetime to just say “hi” (this one would be very weird; no doubt Mom would be a tad uncomfortable if she knew what was being held in the other hand!)” Compound this by the fact that men are…..
Sorry Guys got distracted. The wife asked me about the washing and the status of various pieces of linen and I was like – “say what?” I’m too busy being unemployed to worry about household necessities like clean laundry!
…not able to effectively do two things at once and you have what I encountered on that fateful Wednesday evening! At least sit down I say – follow the example set by the fairer sex and then you will have two hands to engage Facebook and all those myriad of friends who cant wait to hear from you while you are in the blog (see what I did there?).
Tuck it in and type! And leave the porcelain telephone in a shape that is suitable for the next user.
OUT.