2016 New Year's Edition: How do you take your coffee?
Good Morning Negative-SoundByters and welcome to the first instalment of NSB for 2017. I do of course wish you all a “Happy New Year” (queue bundles of cash blowing up in various colours and shapes across the night sky!) and the best of luck for 2017, because if 2016 was anything to go by we are all going to need it!
An admission from me: I have really struggled to put a good word together this morning. I have been staring at the screen for nearly 90 minutes and have managed to come up with…well…very little!
Given that I had queued up fireworks in the opening paragraph I thought maybe that might lead into something. I started with a fireworks anecdote (which didn’t really work because I couldn’t find any humour in it!); I then thought about the impact that fireworks have on animals (continuing on the pyrotechnics theme) and attempted to create a “speech bubble” dialogue between Bubbles (a cat) and Roger (a dog) as they reminisced about dodging Johnny and the rockets he received for Christmas. This also failed. I then moved on to possibly highlighting their dangers; witness 30 odd dead in a fireworks market in Mexico just before Christmas. But that’s not exactly going to result in a belly full of laughs now is it? I am supposed to be kicking off 2017 with something uplifting….!! Aaaaaaargh.
Thankfully Mrs H interrupted me at this point by calling up for a cup of tea. I scurried downstairs to fire up the kettle and steaming cuppa of Tetleys for my better half; anything to get away from the terror of actual writers block – or in my case bloggers block!
And it was thus that I came across one of my (many!) Christmas presents from Mrs H – a Starbucks stainless steel flask; perfect for keeping my drinks piping hot as I while away the hours in my study trying to entertain you with NSB or (and possibly more importantly) seeking some means of earning a living in 2017!
What is intriguing about this flask is that it comes with a set of instructions. And it’s not along the lines of:
- Clean flask when using for the first time
- Insert teabag
- Pour in hot water
- Affix lid
- Drink
Nope this is an American product so all things need to cater for the lowest common denominator i.e. those customers who weren’t born with a brain. And it’s also likely that this set of instructions has evolved with time as people have actually used this flask in a manner that has resulted in serious injury. For example and in big, block capital letters in case you underestimate the severity of the potential outcome: (my notes in small letters)
CAUTION:
DO NOT MICROWAVE. (Because if you do, your microwave will explode and transform your Starbucks “Drinkware” into shrapnel that will shred everything within 10 metres)
DO NOT OVERFILL – HOT LIQUIDS CAN BURN USER. (Nah it’s better to fill it right to the brim and take your chances on the pour; will I or won’t I get a face full of scalding hot coffee?)
ALWAYS MAKE SURE THE LID IS SECURED PROPERLY AND (in case you didn’t get it first time round) SCREWED ON TIGHTLY BEFORE DRINKING (because if you don’t follow this very simple instruction – which apparently isn’t that simple otherwise Starbucks wouldn’t have said it twice – you WILL get a face full of scalding hot coffee)
KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN WHEN FILLED WITH HOT LIQUIDS (This one feels sensible I guess, although Little Johnny is quite capable of turning this flask into a flaming firework by putting it into the microwave whether it’s filled with hot liquids or not).
And now a sample of “CARE AND USE”: (I have paraphrased in places for comedic effect – ha!)
To dry it you need to turn it upside down. I mean like – really? My issue with this is, is that some imbecile will actually wait for it to dry out in this manner as opposed to using a drying-up cloth.
Do not freeze. Er? Say again? I suppose I get that. No doubt my aforementioned imbecile wanted an iced coffee or tea for the road so he (or she – NSB is gender neutral) prepped it the night before; stuck the flask in the freezer and wondered why it was full of coffee icicles the next morning.
Do not use cleaners containing bleach or chlorine. (Because these will poison you. I am surprised this doesn’t sit under the CAUTION category given the potential outcome!)
Grasp mug firmly around the middle when securing or loosening the lid. Do not over-tighten lid. (You can also grasp it firmly by the base in case you were wondering; I have just tried it. But to what end is this included? How else can you “secure or loosen” the lid? Aaaaaah I know. Little Johnny tried to pry it open with a knife and ended up stabbing himself. Got it.)
No doubt that this set of instructions will evolve as people continue to “experiment” with their Starbucks “Drinkware” in ways that the company – or any sane minded individual - would ever have dreamed of. But I guess this epitomises where society has been heading for sometime now; rules, regulations and “guidelines” on how we are supposed to conduct ourselves and live our lives are becoming more entrenched to a point where we are absolved of using our common sense in situations even as mundane as filling a flask with hot tea. “Starbucks warn me against doing something stupid otherwise I will sue you,” is the rallying cry from those who refuse to take personal responsibility for their actions, no matter how daft.
To be honest I don’t know how we reverse this trend….Hoddy it's time that you reversed out of this blog post because you are about to open up a can of worms (in accordance with the instructions I hope) that will see this post extend beyond the 1000 word limit! So climb off your soapbox (carefully!) and let your readers get on with their day!
That was my subconscious talking in case you were wondering…he saved us all I think ☺
Okay Guys Big Love for 2017.
Hoddy
OUT.
Pic of the week:
Jay-Go (my sisters BF), Robs (my sister), Mrs H and Karo (friend of Robs) walking along the parapet of an old fort in France a few years ago. I managed to capture Jay and Kels mid-step and Robs and Karo on stride against a stormy grey background which could almost be a beach scene - but isn't! Kind of interesting!