Edition 11: "Eat your greens!"

Good morning Negative Soundbyters; this is coming to you live from Shoreditch; yes, the Silicon Valley of London. I am sitting in Starbucks on my Apple Mac drinking a flat white and looking suitably entrepreneurial. To be fair it feels like I could be anywhere in London. I see a tube sign, a big roundabout, letting signs, a Star Express, Chicken Cottage and Mexican Express. All very hip-and-happening.

I wish I was coding the next app to set the world alight but I aint, I’m writing to you guys (way more fun) and being disturbed by some noise blurted out by a spotty teen from Seattle coming out of the speakers above my head.

I don’t understand the need for “music” in coffee bars and restaurants. What is the point? Ambience you might say. Bollocks. It’s as if we have to fill “empty” spaces with something. What can I hear as I sit tending my flat white: the woosh of the coffee machine; the clink of the till; the squeak of the door as patrons come-and-go; voices requesting “Bold Velvety Smooth Butterscotch Brulee Lattes”; Footsteps across the concrete floor; the din of traffic - My OWN THOUGHTS!

So in fact the space is not “empty”; it is filled with the buzz of a city coming slowly to life. But no, the Spotty Teen from Seattle has pride of place and he will drone on throughout the morning-noon-and-night smothering this Starbucks in noisy smog. Ugh.

Moving on very swiftly:

Anything of geopolitical significance to report….well besides that fact that Mrs H and I are having a baby and The Donald is pissing on everyone’s parade not much else although one thing that did catch my attention was the Trident missile that misfired a while back and which the government subsequently tried to cover up.

BILLIONS of taxpayers’ money is “invested” in the Trident missile defence system. Apparently it was launched from a nuclear submarine but started flying in the wrong direction. Launch successful; navigation not so much. You can just imagine the conversation on board the sub:

Missile Controller: Captain we are a go for launch.
Captain: On my mark; Three Two One – Fire!
Missile Controller: Missile away!
Captain: That’s a wrap Fire Control. Great job.
First mate: Er Sir….the missile appears to be “off-course”?
Captain: What the F56k do you mean “off course”?
First mate: It appears to be going in the opposite direction.
Captain: That’s not good. Where is it going?
First mate: Washington DC Sir
Captain: Ag, that’s ok – let The Donald sort it out!
First mate: Roger that Sir.

(Literary license here as The Donald was yet to occupy the White House but we can only dream ☺ )

Let’s move on to this week’s anecdote.

Big Love to you All!

Hoddy

Cooking. Food preparation. Standing over the stove. Reading a recipe. Being useful in the kitchen.

These apply to me in various degrees I guess.

Cooking: spag bol or salmon-and-scrambled-eggs.

Food preparation: buttering my toast in readiness for one teaspoon of honey.

Standing over the stove: Yup, just standing there.

Reading a recipe. The reading part I can manage; it’s the execution I struggle with.

Being useful in the kitchen: only to the extent that there is something to wash-up.

No I have to say that my culinary skills do need work; especially with Little Hoddy on the way. Apparently babies like “mashed-up” things. So from the boob they move onto squidgy things – like avocados. Thank goodness because I love avocados as well. They make an excellent side dish to my morning scrambled eggs. In fact that is another squishy dish that Little Hoddy can enjoy. So in actual fact mornings are taken care of! Mrs H can breathe easy. I have it covered. Not sure if you can “mash” salmon though; the little tyke might have to grow some teeth first!

I did make vegetable soup the other evening based on a set of guidelines issued by Mrs H – ok , they were actually instructions. I am quickly learning that it is not wise to mess with a pregnant woman so I followed her recipe to a tee – well, almost.

The thing is that I like to go off piste every-now-and-then. I had a northern fry up the other day made from the remnants of a majestic roast (that I hadn’t prepared) and I decided to plop an egg on top of it. I had seen them do it on the Food Channel – okay I think the egg was tossed into a carbanara recipe but I thought a bit of extra protein never did anyone any harm. Well Mrs H spotted said egg and a very arched, pregnant eyebrow was raised in my direction. It was like I had committed an act of desecration. I was like – in my mind - : “Hey Chill out! I’m not asking you to eat it….” Mrs H has been known to read minds so I had to tread carefully. So instead of egg fried rice…I had egg fried fry-up. Tasted scrumptious. Mrs H passed.

So anyway I dig into the fridge for all the vegetables that Mrs H has described. I note two lonely courgettes at the back of the fridge but they are not on the list. My inner chef whispers in my ear: “Toss them in, she will never know….”

I get chopping. Everything goes straight into the pot. I pour some chicken stock in (again as instructed) and let the mixture simmer. Aromas abound. I lean back against the kitchen counter with a very satisfied expression on my face. Next step – blender – and obliteration of all things courgette!

And then Mrs H walks in to check on proceedings. Uh oh! She lifts the lid and peers into the pot. She closes it very deliberately and with a MASSIVELY arched pregnant eyebrow, enquires as to the presence of the courgettes in the vegetable soup. “Firstly this is a root vegetable soup. Secondly it will turn the soup green.”

I am like: “And?” (said to myself in my brain for fear of a beating with a wooden spoon…)

I didn’t really have a suitable response; I mean what was I going to counter with. I didn’t realise that mixing your veggies is akin to mixing your drinks – it’s just not done! And as for turning the soup green – shit; a culinary faux pax of note!

To be fair, Mrs H stepped away from the stove (as opposed to grabbing the wooden spoon) and let me continue blending the proverbial soup “car-crash”. And she even tried it and begrudgingly admitted that it wasn’t all that bad!

So there! A new chef in SW16 committed to experimenting; a Heston Blumenthal in the making.

Think again Hoddy!!

OUT

Pic of the Week:
So I drew this last night. I am no cartoonist but it got the creative juices flowing. Defiance by order of the pen! Bring it Donald!