Good morning Negative Soundbyters! What a balmy start to the day; is that a sign of Spring I smell in the air?
I have an early morning meeting so in part this is been written on an actual southern rail train that arrived at the station at EXACTLY the time that it said it would. I can hear The Donald screaming FAKE NEWS but I tell you it's true - 100% (and let's make America great again!).
Events of geopolitical significance this week....
I see that Tony Blair is trying to create a "movement" to somehow reverse the Brexit decision. Unfortunately The Tone has as much credibility as the result of his last visit to the bog which was a movement just of a different kind. Did anyone tell The Tone that that this horse bolted like about a year ago and I personally have moved on to working out how to become an "effective dad". More on that a bit later. It's like The Tone's last gasp attempt at trying to remain relevant when no one really gives a crap about him. FAKE NEWS I can hear The Tone cry; but once again it's totally true - 100% (and let's make America great again!)
As a quick aside Mrs H and I find out the sex of Little Hoddy today in a special screening session down at the Baby Odeon. The tickets were priceeeeeeey and popcorn isn't even included but Mrs H is a planner so I'm down with that. Apparently there is a chance that Little Hoddy could be catching a nap at scanning time so Mrs H has been instructed to fire up a few shots of caffeine and a sugar cube to ensure that Baby H is doing the soft shoe shuffle when the image is taken. I wonder if the scanning person might even entice Little Hoddy to give us a wave from the womb? I will be sure to broadcast on Facebook as soon as we know :)
"And as an aside-aside I proved to myself this morning that a single bucket of water is enough for me to wash my hair, lather the chassis in soap, cleanse my crinkled brow and then rinse. Why you might ask? Well as is typical with any sort of build, our plumber installed the new plumbing in the extension last week, departed from the crime scene and left the rest of the house without hot water! This is the second time this has happened and Mrs H’s arched eyebrow is off the scales now. I did not ask her whether she would like to prove whether one bucket is sufficient for a pregnant woman’s needs? Not a good idea.
And moving on swiftly…to this week’s anecdote.
Big Love
Hoddy X
Books about Babies.
Wow there is a LOT of literature out there about babies and how to raise them. It’s off the charts. It’s a multi-million dollar industry in its own right – or should that be “billion”?!?
Mrs H kindly bought me a book called the “Expectant Dad’s Handbook” by a guy called Dean Beaumont. It has a pic on the cover of a dad with a model profile holding up an angelic little wonder; they’re both smiling and laughing. Basically it looks like they are having fun. I wonder if this was taken just before the little bundle of joy projectile vomited all over the very pleased expression of said “model-dad”?
Whenever I tell other Dads that Little Hoddy will be appearing in July invariably it’s straight into the sleep deprivation chat and being regaled about how “your life will never be the same again”. It feels like a far cry from the “model dad” dressed in perfect white Egyptian cotton pyjamas playing with his “model baby” (also dressed in perfect white Egyptian cotton). Clearly these Dads have not heard about Dean, the miracle worker, who promises me that my life will be enhanced by the experience of childbirth (vicariously through Mrs H of course!) and the first six months thereafter (of no sleep and lots of hands-on experience with bodily fluids of all types!)
According to Dean I am defined as a “birth partner”; not the guy looking on squeamishly and adding no value (except a hand to squeeze, a brow to mop and a few words of encouragement like “Keep pushing”). I am very pleased that he recognizes that I might be of use; I think Mrs H sometimes wonders what exactly I am bringing to the table except pints of water-and-lime!
Dean started educating expectant Dads in the pub. This sounds like a perfectly logical place to learn about childbirth. I must ask Mrs H about our antenatal classes and whether they could somehow be combined with a beer and the upcoming Lions series against the All Blacks in New Zealand. I have a sense for the answer already but as with everything in life, if you don’t ask, you don’t get a snot-klap! (or in English, a swift left hook!)
To be fair to Dean I haven’t exactly made a huge amount of headway with his book; instead I thought I would try my hand at the “guru-of-gurus”, the “yoda-of-babies”, the “one-and-only”: GINA FORD! Now this woman is not to be trifled with. I mean she has like dealt with about a zillion babies and is for all intents-and-purposes the “Baby Whisperer”. Her book “The New Contented Little Baby Book: The Secret to Calm and Confident Parenting” is a global best seller. Basically if you want to be a zen-parent you study Gina. Gina does not take any nonsense – from parents – and if you decide to embark on a journey with Gina you as parents had better be mentally and physically prepared. (The baby just parks off and enjoys the benefits).
I opened this book because Gina promises that I will be a “calm and contented” parent and quickly closed it again because the first few pages scared the life out of me! Having a baby is a serious business apparently. And there I was thinking Little Hoddy would be born and we would take it from there! No Sir. It’s full on. There are more routines described that you could throw a proverbial cat at; in fact if I lead my life as Gina suggests, without a baby, I would be way more productive adult!
Thankfully I have Mrs H on my side. And she might as well be Gina Ford; look at the way she manages me :) ! The baby will be a cinch!
Of course I will re-engage with all these books in due course; but it needs to be combined with a rugby match and a cold pint for me to get the most out of the material!
OUT.
Pic of the week:
Streatham Common - my "home" common - early one morning. One of the magical things about London; its scenic parks!
