Edition 24: "Mr Mistoffelees; a typical country cat..."

Good morning Negative Soundbyters! And there you thought that I had forgotten about you! Not at all; rather I thought you could do with an NSB boost during the “work” week as opposed to what I hope was a very relaxing May Day.

A mini milestone on the kiddie front occurred this weekend. Mrs H and I erected the cot; or in Christian parlance – the crib or manger. I actually added some value during the process as well; Mrs H called me a “problem solver” which coming from the chief of flat pack furniture I thought very kind indeed. It only had about six pieces but that really is the extent of my patience. We recently had an installer come and put up some cupboards and a changing table in the baba’s room. Mrs H and I agreed that it was the best £100 spent. There were about eight thousand pieces in about 10 card board boxes; Ikea on steroids. It was even beyond Mrs H’s capabilities. The installer however was undaunted and had it all sorted in about six hours. I think I would still be at it – and that’s if I had started on Saturday! The baba now has more cupboard space than he will know what to do with and his clothing collection is also beginning to take shape – sorted by age category no less. (I had nothing to do with that as you might have guessed!)

On a slightly more x-rated note I am sure the likes of Jilly Cooper have taken inspiration from comments uttered during the “erection” of flat pack furniture.

“Pivot! Pivot!”
“Use your finger a bit.”
“Put it in that hole.”
“Don’t screw too hard.”
“If you hold this end, I can ease it in.”

It’s not like I have thought about it in too much detail, but “Fifty Shades of Grey” could easily be the name of a new Ikea bedroom range. Or maybe not….!

What is there of geopolitical significance to report:

The Donald’s first 100 days in office. I think it’s fair to say that it’s been abysmal. If this is what is making “the US of A GREAT AGAIN” then a nuclear apocalypse is very much on the cards. He’s launched Tomahawks and hit some desert; he’s going toe-to-toe with that other lunatic with a questionable hairdo; he’s doing his best to find the money to keep out those pesky Mexicans - and failing (the way he’s going soon the wall will be needed to keep Americans in) ; he tried to unwind Obamacare (and failed); he tried to impose a travel ban of people from certain Middle Eastern countries (and failed) and he has yet to pass a single piece of legislation, but at least he has his Twitter account (with 28.5m followers and counting no less) which does provide endless material for comedians, the press (which is all “fake” if you believe The Donald), and the likes of you-and-me!

Talking of hair-dos; everyone has bad hair days (and I am no exception). But I saw a lady today on the bus who looked like two bushy racoons had landed on her head, had a massive barney and then combusted. It looked like it had been a very long weekend :)

Okay let’s move on!

Big Love

Hoddy X

Pets.

Generally I am a massive fan. We had cats and dogs when we were younger and certainly the bonds created were akin to that of family members. I even penned an ode in NSB to one of my family cats in one of my more sensitive moments :).

That said I haven’t owned an animal in years – and I do not count field mice in this category; or foxes for that matter. I am not sure that flats are the best place for pets (unless it’s like a snake or something which sits on a branch in a glass box all day) given space constraints but people do fit dogs in handbags these days so “roaming free” is less of an animal right than it used to be!

But now that Mrs H and I have moved into a dwelling with a garden (not quite a postage stamp but almost) maybe it is time to reconsider. But I suppose for the animal’s sake rather wait until Baba H is of an age where he knows that trying to put the dog’s paw in his mouth is just not the way forward.

So instead we have “adopted” what Mrs H refers to as “her babies”; several very plump doves and pigeons which swoop into the garden for the seed that Mrs H has laid out for them the night before. We also have a Mission-Impossible Squirrel who is hell bent on stealing as much of the seed as possible before the birds arrive. Of course their eating patterns have been somewhat disrupted by the building works but thankfully they are able to discern the bits of rubble and concrete from the birdfeed.

We also get other visitors; other people’s cats.

This one cat thinks that he owns our garden – and has been marking his territory – to prove it. I was relaxing in our new kitchen extension when I saw him saunter into our garden. We caught each other’s eye but unlike most cats he didn’t even blink. He cruised up to my Webers (note plural as I am a hardcore braai-er) lifted his tail and proceeded to spray the underside of each drum all the while maintaining eye contact as if to say “F$%k You Hoddy; this is my back yard”. Thankfully they were both covered but I was deeply unimpressed. To desecrate another man’s braai like that – not cool! He finished up, gave me the bird, and wandered off cool as you like! Wait till I get my Rottweiler – then we will see who is boss!

I know the pressure for new additions of the furry variety will come at some point. But I am in no hurry – what with foxes, pigeons, stray cats, squirrels and field mice I have my hands full as it is!

OUT.

Pic of Week

The London Transport Museum - well worth a visit!