Special Edition: Elections again!

Negative Soundbyters – Good Afternoon! Here in the UK we are on the eve of another general election – hence the Special Edition. If you had said to me a year ago that Jezza Corbyn might sneak into No 10, I would have said “pass the magic mushrooms” but there is a whisker of a chance that he might just burgle this election given the way the world seems to turn these days. May-hem couldn’t electioneer her way out of a paper bag and if she contrives to lose this election; well I am not quite sure what the conservative equivalent of Siberia is – Glasgow maybe? – but that’s where she is headed.

Nothing however will beat the ineptitude of Diane Abbott, the Shadow Home Secretary. In an interview with Nick Ferrari, a Radio DJ, she announced that employing a further 10,000 policemen and women as part of her policy to combat crime would cost about £300,000 – yes, that’s £30 each. Pressed to clarify she corrected herself: £80m. Okay a bit better but not exactly the sort of cash that is going to entice the best and the brightest into the police force - £8,000 each! And then she got confused regarding how many she was going to employ:

DA: The figures are that the additional costs in year one when we anticipate recruiting about 250,000 policemen will be £64.3million.

NF: 250,000 policemen?

DA: And women.

NF: So you're getting more than 10,000? You're recruiting 250,000?

DA: No, we are recruiting 2,000 and perhaps 250.

NF: So where did 250,000 come from?

DA: I think you said that, not me.

Sounds like she is well on top of the detail; just the sort of heavy weight you want to handle an important cabinet position such as this.

Imagine a conversation between No 1 and Damn-it:

No 1: Hello. I’m No 1, President of South Efrica.

DA: Hello. I’m Diane Abbott, newly elected as the Secretary of…um…er..the Police in the United Kingdom.

No 1: Eish. We have many problems with our police; even though I have employed one-thousand-three-million-and-six-hundred-and-five just recently.

DA: That’s a very large number. When I advertised for new roles within our police force, there were no new applications; something to do with the salary. Thirty pounds doesn’t seem attractive enough these days…

No 1: Eish. How many South Efrican Rends is that?

DA: Um…Er….

Aide to DA whispers: The exchange rate is about 20 Rand to the Pound..

DA: Yes so that is….um….er….about nine hundred and….

No 1: Hehehehe….No…no…no Diane…it is five thousand and 2 Rend….

DA: No 3, you are a very clever and humble man; arithmetic come so easily to you….

No 1: Arithma-what?

DA: You know; adding numbers….

No 1: Ah yes Shadow Police Woman Abbott; the Guptas taught me the importance of counting my rends as they say….

Damn-it has just been told to take a step back; apparently she is not very well. I think it’s because Labour have finally worked out that a member of their Shadow Cabinet might possess some sort of matter but it certainly isn’t grey!

I do not really know what to make of it all. I wish government would just us alone to get on with our lives, but both Labour and the Conservatives seem to believe that bigger government and more intervention is a way to a more “stable” and prosperous society. We all need to be accountable for our actions; it is up to Government to look after those that are most vulnerable - as for the rest, if you choose to sit on your arse all day, then be prepared for a tough life but if you choose to get educated, stay healthy, work hard and look out for your family and community, then government will stay out of your way and let you get on with it – and not rinse you in the process!

That said where do I stand? Negative Soundbyte must endorse a candidate! It’s the May-Bot for me not because I find her that impressive; but anything is better than Jezza and his beard!

Okay off the soap box now Hoddy; let’s move on….

Friday is going to be a very interesting day indeed!

Big Love

Hoddy X

Two very short “anecdotes” today….

Sky.

So the Sky Man comes round to the house to add another Sky Box to the three I have already. Mrs H asks him to take his shoes off given that upstairs is carpeted. His reply: “I can’t; health-and-safety”. Instead he hauled out his CSI blue plastic shoe covers and put those on. That does the job, but I was left wondering what exactly has happened to SKY engineers in the past that has meant that they can’t take their shoes off in their customers’ homes. Maybe one tried to install a satellite dish in bare feet or flip flops; you can see something like that ending badly but walking up a flight of stairs, kneeling behind a television, plugging in a cable, turning the SKY box on and then reversing the process – where are the potential pitfalls? As much as the SKY helpline has made me suffer over the years and as much as I would like to set a bear trap for that unsuspecting engineer as a result, our house is largely nail-and-spike free! Maybe this Sky Man saw the state of chaos our front entrance is in at the minute that he decided that he wasn’t going to be taking any chances!

Frizzy Hair.

I went to an Eddie Vedder concert last night. It was a seated venue which meant that we all had allocated seats which was fine. I had an unobstructed view for about 5 minutes and then “big hair” arrived and plonked herself down in front of me alongside her boyfriend who also had a very prominent head. To be fair it wasn’t that “big” but as she weaved and bopped so I had to continually change position which I am sure made me massively popular with the people sitting behind me! Mild neck ache was a price worth paying though; the concert was brilliant and Eddie played for nearly 2.5 hours. It was a true testament to his genius – composing, singing, playing but also entertaining. A great experience!

OUT.

Pic of the Week

Oh to be by a pool now...!