Edition 31: "The Mighty J"

Good Afternoon Negative Soundbyters! It’s a Sunday afternoon, I’m drinking tea and watching the Poms pummelling South Africa yet again in the cricket. Yissee us saffas are definitely the whipping boys of the sporting world these days. And the thing is we are getting whipped by our own country-men! A typically English gentleman by the name of “Dawid Johannes Malan” from Paarl Boys High no less (and no that is not in Wales) just carved up our bowling attack to all four corners of the park. Ag man it is not fair. The Brits are still ravaging our resource base after all these years. Hoddy, careful now, that is a mighty sensitive topic in this day-and-age. I think the word “c$l$n$z$” might have been banned; certainly if you mention it in a university “safe space” you are likely to face suspension. I just wish they would take some of our politicians; but then I remembered the size of the Commons which is already full of people without a clue.

Okay now that I have degenerated my adopted homeland on a holy day let’s be positive and talk about family.

Big love to all!

Hoddy X

Five.5-year olds.

Mrs H’s sister, Katie, has a son called Joshua. Katie was coming down for Mrs H’s baby shower (I guess the guy’s equivalent is a head wetting minus all the soft play toys and cake) and he didn’t want to hang out all day with the chicks so it was left to “Uncle Chris” to organise a boys' day out on the town. In the past this would have meant a boozy lunch followed by a game of rugby finishing up at some dodgy pub with a carpet drenched in snake bite but given my target audience I had to recalibrate – we wouldn’t do the pub after the rugga! Mrs H – in her infinite wisdom – recommended Pottery Barn on the Northcote Road. I had visions of Demi Moore, a ghost and some interesting ceramic hand movements, but then Mrs H reminded me that this wasn’t about me and my clay fetish….(just kidding of course……!)

We set off just before lunch. Like any responsible adult, Joshua set the ground rules about holding hands and being careful at road junctions, and I inwardly breathed a sigh of relief – I knew that I was in safe hands. It’s strange to think that a 42-year-old adult was way more nervous than a 5.5-year-old about visiting Demi Moore at the Pottery Barn!

I was also like – what on earth are we going to talk about? Joshua took care of that. We chatted all the way to the railway station; he told me that he wanted to be a policeman and a train driver. I was like, dude, that sounds like a busy life. He was like, no way man – in my time off I can come and visit you guys. As nonchalant as you like.

He buzzed off the railway station. He handled his own Oyster Card like any typical London commuter (and squeezed a few people out of his way in the process) and when we got to the yellow line, well, I got an in-depth lecture on the penalties for crossing it. Commuting is a serious business! The train pulled up, he pushed the button, helped me onto the train, sat down, put his earphones in, opened the Metro and buried himself in the newspaper until we reached our destination. OK, I lie, it was the Daily Mail…:)

We got off at our appointed stop and took a gentle stroll through the park. It was hot but he strolled with purpose. At the lake it was important for us to stop and throw some twigs into the water which was totally cool by me. We briefly discussed the park’s bird life – and I don’t mean those in the summer dresses – and then we got onto the subject of time and distance to destination. I found this was one area where I had the upper hand! I could manipulate time and it didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest – just that we were going to get there at some point. I found that “in about two minutes” followed by “in about 10 minutes” and then reversing them worked very well!

At the Pottery Barn he was in his element. Demi offered to talk us through it; I was preparing for a hands-on pottery lesson with some Unchained Melody on in the background but Joshua told her that he had it covered and went off to choose his mug and colour palette. Demi immediately lost interest and wandered off to deal with another mini-adult. That’s the beauty of youth – fearless. While I was fretting over the size of my mug (size is not something I usually fret over….whoah Hoddy; this is a family blog), whether I should go for soft neutral colours or look to make a statement, whether my design should be more neoclassical than avant-garde Baroque (say what?) Joshua had got stuck in and was making Demi proud! Paint was applied with gay abandon; patterns materialised without any fuss or bother; and two coffee cups later, Picasso Junior’s job was done. Once he had completed his master pieces, he washed off his brushes and politely enquired whether we could now move on. He was a mini-man on a mission! I hurriedly finished my espresso mug, paid up - I saw it in Demi’s eyes, my “artwork” had certainly not passed muster - and we were back on the move.

The boss (we had established our working relationship early on) was keen to catch the tube, but I asked whether he would consider a double decker bus. “Just as long as we can sit on the upper deck” came the reply. I said I was sure that was something I could organise and we made our way to the bus-stop. The bus arrived and we clambered the stairs and the boss grabbed a window seat so that he could look out over all his minions! It struck me how totally absorbed he was in watching the world go by from his perch. He even caught a few minutes of zzzzz; conserving energy being key to any 5.5-year old’s day out on the tiles!

We finished off with a swing past the train station to look at the trains and then it was back to the baby shower and all things babeeeeees! I flopped onto the couch, but Joshua had ladies to entertain. I was like dude, I’m too tired to deal with chicks; he was like don’t worry man, I’ve got it covered!

It was a totally cool day out; and what a brilliant companion! Joshua next time beers are on me!

OUT!

Pic of the Week

The Mighty J showing me how it's done!